I still don’t know how I convince myself that there will be an ominous figure waiting outside my bedroom door if I attempt to leave my room before the sun has come up. Sometimes I am able to quickly hop out of my bed, turn the knob to the door and dart to my destination, whether it be the bathroom or the kitchen sink. But then on my way back to my room, I panic and think that some faceless monster will charge down the hall and pick me up before I can dive back into my bed and pull the sheets over my head. Fortunately, I never get captured by any ominous creature.
When I return to my room, I always regret not having a nightlight. But then I remember, a nightlight usually doesn’t help me. When I use a nightlight, it highlights that I am in the dark and makes my room look even scarier. When the nightlight doesn’t reach all corners of my room, I tell myself that these corners are where the creatures are hiding out. So, I have come to realize that sometimes being in total darkness is more beneficial for me. If I close my eyes and focus on falling asleep, I slowly start to forget about the potential monsters lurking in my room, and then I wake up unscathed the next morning .
As I think about it, I realize that this pattern spills into my everyday life. I hate being in the dark. I am never at ease unless I have a pretty good idea about what is going to happen. When I try to get answers, or “light” on the uncertainties of my everyday life, I get myself into trouble. I spend hours ruminating over the smallest things: irrational and rational. What are the chances I’ll be struck by a car while crossing a busy intersection? Do my friends actually like me, or are they planning to sabotage me when we meet up? Will I graduate on time? Will I be able to get a job?
Since I can never provide answers to uncertainties in my life, it stresses me out more. While I am obsessing over everything I don’t know, I find it difficult to focus on the things I do know. I usually know when I have shifts, assignment due dates, or meetings in a week. But, it’s hard to focus on these things when I am still trying to figure out if a family member will pass away before I have had the chance to tell them everything I have wanted to. Then, I try to convince myself of the same philosophy that helps me fall asleep in my dark room every night: the light doesn’t help. But, it’s harder for me to grasp this concept during the day.
Unfortunately, this is a battle I am still fighting. So, I don’t have any wisdom on slaying those monsters or resisting the urge to flick on the light when you don’t know what they are up to. They might grab you or let you live to see another day. But, I guess you will have to close your eyes and find out.