Two months have passed since this semester began. There have been several times since that first anxious day of junior year when I have found myself longing for the company of specific people in my life. I am still on campus for the next few months but like almost every other liberal arts college, a quarter of my graduating class is studying abroad. Among them are some of my closest friends. I submitted an application to study abroad in the spring but I cannot stop thinking about the yearlong gap that will stand between the future version of us and our memories. I did not think that it would affect me as ardently as moving away from home did but it somehow has turned my chest a little sideways.
I have beautiful, inspiring companions here with me on campus. They have energized me these last few weeks when I was in the middle of applications, work, and fieldwork for my research methods class. But I miss being able to walk into a friend’s room at the same time every evening without feeling anxious about whether they would like to see me or not. I miss having that comfort reinforced by years of friendship or months of similar struggling available to me again. I miss having someone close with whom I can talk about boys, about my own sadness, and even about my frustrations toward other people. I feel like I have not been able to bridge that anxiety with other people I enjoy seeing at Pomona. Perhaps that is also because so many people around me are stressed with their classes, their projects, and not many people’s ambitions converge with mine. I think that is the double-edged sword about college: you are here to build your own dreams and the rest of your friends are doing the same. Classwork for everyone seems to have accelerated this week before fall break starts. Sometimes we forget to think about how we are functioning emotionally through all this.
But I keep contact with my friends who are abroad. They send me photos of their outings in London occasionally. It is not the same as having someone physically present with you through your highs and lows but I am thankful that the technology exists for us to be able to stay updated. I will hopefully be able to do the same when I go on my study abroad program in Brazil. I have yet to decide definitely whether I want to attend the program but almost everyone has encouraged me to take the semester away from college, especially because the atmosphere at Pomona can be stressful to an unhealthy extent as the year progresses. At a personal level, I think experiencing a semester off campus to focus on my own growth will be rewarding.