is halfway across the world from what I’m used to.

It’s also 1:30 AM in the morning of one of the largest Indian holidays, Divali (or diwala or maybe even deepavali, depending on who you ask). Hahaa but I guess these are the moments when I really think. So I have to be honest and admit that this post will be a bit of mind-vomit. One of the many things I’ve learned about myself recently is how much I can organize and understand my thoughts after speaking or writing them down. They just need to get out of my head…

It’s been two and a half months in India and I only have one left. ONE. The thought of leaving sometimes scares me because it feels so much like home to me. It’s so frightening and sometimes even isolating when I realize that I”m not going to feel this at-home for a very long time. I’ve met some fantastic friends, both American and Indian. The people in my program are from all across the US and all of them have distinct personalities. I have been, and am still, working on making Indian friends. I really like one of the girls I just met, and she’s such a great person to  debrief with. One of the things I’ve learned about myself here is that I need a lot of space and quiet time. I need to think about things by myself  and then talk them out with people, but it’s really hard for other people to understand that. The idea of “awkward silence” is so foreign to me because I always welcome silence and can appreciate a comfortable quiet time as much as I appreciate a meaningful conversation.

I’ve been thinking about privilege so much.. How lucky I am to be here, in this town, at this time of year. How did chance just happen to guide me to this place? I am so unbelievably lucky and aware of my privilege. One dollar=60 rupees, making me hyperaware of the fact that things I consider cheap may actually be large portions of people’s salaries. And people realize I’m American, making me the perfect target to sell things to and making me uncomfortably aware of the fact that I’m a tourist who’s going to walk away from India in only a matter of weeks.

I’m sorry for any part of this that may be upsetting. I’m just at a point in my life where I believe people can gain the most from each other by being honest and unfiltered.. Which is really hard. It’s so hard, and I have to say I struggle with the idea of friendship being effortless… It requires so much nourishing.

Uhh. Thoughts on my mind. That’s just skimming the surface… More to come. SOON.