March always feels like a blur. A tired, overstimulated, emotionally disjointed blur.
Midterms showed up fast and hit hard. I’ve been bouncing between assignments, late nights, job apps, and trying to figure out whether I’m just tired, or if I’m on the edge of something deeper. I’m not even fully sure what classes I’ve caught up in or fallen behind on because the days are bleeding together at this point. All I know is that I’ve been trying to keep it together. Honestly, that’s all I’ve really had the energy for these days.
Thankfully, Spring Break is upon us. That’s what the calendar says, at least. However, it doesn’t feel like a “break.” I’m not flying anywhere, I’m not going on a cute trip, I’m not suddenly carefree. For a lot of first-gen students, break doesn’t mean luxury. Rather, it means catching up on work, assignments, sleep, and surviving day-to-day.
This year, I stayed on campus. No vacation. No reset retreat. Just me, my laptop, and a long list of things I didn’t have time to finish during the semester. I’ve been trying to rest in small ways, like binge-watching old comfort shows, journaling, and finally eating decent meals, but even when I’m still, my brain doesn’t stop. It’s always running, always making sure I’m doing enough.
That’s the hard part about being first-gen during times like this: rest feels like something you have to earn. Something you have to justify. Even when you’re exhausted, there’s guilt. Even when you’re doing your best, it feels like you should be doing more. So you keep pushing, even when you don’t have it in you.
I’m trying to unlearn that. I’m trying to listen to my body when it says “stop.” I’m trying to remind myself that I don’t owe productivity to anyone. Not during break, not during midterms, and not ever. Rest isn’t a reward. It’s a requirement to survive and thrive.
If you’re also feeling that pressure right now, I understand. If your break didn’t look like your friends’ Instagram stories, or if you’re still feeling just as tired now as you did before it started, you’re not alone. This system wasn’t built with us in mind, so don’t beat yourself up for needing time to breathe.
You’re allowed to rest without performing. You’re allowed to do nothing and still be worthy of everything. You’re allowed to break the cycle. If you’re just trying to make it to the end of the month without falling apart, I’m right there with you. We can get through it together.
– Toni <3