How’s the job search going? Do you know where you want to work? What do you want to do?
Well, my LinkedIn network is small. My academics could be better and “the job search” hasn’t even started for me. Lately, it’s been hard for me to think about post graduation plans. So, in all honesty graduating, let alone finding a job, sounds like a pipe dream, even though it’s a mere seven months away.
Lately, I have felt like an amateur sailor in a battered ship during a heavy storm. There are all these bullets of rain striking the planks and every time I try to weave through the fog, I am met with never-ending rows of rowdy waves waiting to devour travelers such as myself. And I think I’m looking at what can only be a black flag, the infamous Jolly Roger, boasted upon a beastly ship in the distance. How can I overcome the wind? I can’t see it and it’s much larger than myself.
What’s more terrifying, death by sea and sharks, or surrendering to a pirate? Why should I assume defeat now? How can I guarantee I have even been noticed? Is it easier to just surrender and leave my precious boat that I have worked so hard for to be ravaged or left to sink to the bottom of the sea? Or, would boldness keep me on my boat and out of sight?
Although most of my journey is over, I am running out of food, water, and strength. The same people who sang those beautiful shanties with me, when my journey began, are nowhere to be found. The same sun that made my coat a bright red, now hides when I need it the most. At this point, I have two options. I can accept defeat by humans or the sea, or I can continue to search for land. I don’t want to end this journey prematurely. But, I am also losing energy to keep dodging obstacles and scanning my ship to see the damage that has been done.
This dream has meant so much to me. But, now as I am getting closer to reaching it, the temptation to quit seems much more enticing. The work is getting harder, and my motivation to persevere is taking more effort with each passing day’s obstacles. Unfortunately, there’s even a part of me that resents the cocky 18 year old that I was. I want to ask her, why couldn’t you just do something else? Why didn’t you explore other options? How could you think you were prepared for this? What if you don’t graduate? What will you do? What do you think will happen if you graduate with all of those loans just to find that you don’t get that high paying job? Why did you do it? Was it for the money? Was it for the status? Why couldn’t you just accept a simpler life?
She was bold and she even declared that she would keep at least a 3.8 all through college. She looked down on failure and she believed and was determined to successfully finish everything she started. Now, as a 21 year old, her and I are strangers: polar opposites, and we probably wouldn’t get along if we were in the same room.
Her somewhat reckless boldness and confidence started this dream. But, somehow on the course of that journey things changed. In the eyes of many people, she got weaker. She made poor decisions. Then, at some point, she disappeared. But, I never went looking for her. She wasn’t equipped to finish this journey. But, I was there to pick up the pieces and finish it for her. I have watched her grades fall and rise. I stared out of that barred window in the hospital and I knew this wasn’t the end of her journey. Now, I need to finish this journey, so I can visit her grave once more and let her know her efforts weren’t in vain. It’s not like I’m her daughter, but I do feel as if I still carry a piece of her with me. I am older than she will ever be.
Although it’s dark and my ship is still crying, I have a feeling I’ll make it out. This storm can’t last forever and I think I’m becoming immune to the fog that makes it hard for me to see, the seemingly never ending bullets of rain, the enemies waiting for me to make a wrong turn. And now, it seems like saying “I will find land” is like saying ” I will graduate”. Even if my ship loses a sail, or I lose a limb, I will make it.
I’m out of paper right now, but I’ll be sure to update you on the status of my voyage when I am able to replenish my parchment supply.
Sincerely,
Flora