khadijah-85 I cannot believe I’m a junior. I’m having so many conflicting emotions. On the one hand, theoretically, I’m so happy (and a bit amazed and confused) that I got this far. I mean, every all-nighter I thought- I’m not getting through this, it’s not happening, ok, this time I’m done for! On the other hand, I feel this feeling, as though the time has gone by, a sadness, an emptiness, as though I’ve missed out on something. Did I do enough? Should I halfway know where I am, who I am? (I don’t, not even close). But yet here I am, in my third year, my THIRD year! I’m halfway through college!

Excuse me while I hyperventilate.

The hurricane craziness mirrors my feelings so much. Confusion. What the #@${53c6eff5ce19621f7316832cfedf08caab022021f1679c62c3f44b8900ceaf72} am I doing?! I thought I was so sure. I stare at the courses that I’m considering taking, and for the first time, there’s no theme to them. There is no clear path to graduation. There are classes that I’m interested in that have nothing to do with my interest area. I sometimes have funks where I’m sad and depressed, and have absolutely no motivation (and on those days I watch reruns of Futurama, spend hours on Netflix, or eat like crazy). I’m having a mid-college crisis. Oh crap oh crap I don’t want to be halfway done with college!

I’m learning about myself and trying to figure that all out. I’m a Peer Advising Fellow, and my job is to help advise freshmen, and my PAFees are such an awesome group. But at the same time, I’m thinking to myself- am I really qualified to lead them, when I have no idea what I am doing with my life? When I’ve been exposed to the good (and the very good) and the bad, (and the very ugly) of Harvard life. When I have these conflicting emotions about where I stand, what my values are, and who I am?

So many things have impacted me this summer, and it’s forcing me to rethink who I am and what I want out of life. And despite all the confusion that college, and Harvard life in particular, has given me, I do feel that I have been given the tools (the easy and the hard ways) by college to navigate that. I am a better thinker and writer. I am more introspective. I know what I enjoy (philosophy, discussions on power and privilege, research and papers, foreign movies with subtitles, long conversations with select few friends) and what I hate (economics, small talk, problem sets, not being in control, not having structure, boat shoes). And I don’t think I could’ve gotten this experience anywhere else, but college.

Despite the inner turmoil I’m feeling right now, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. For this turmoil will mold me into a strong, confident, and intelligent young black woman who will be ready to take on the world. I just hope that happens by the time I graduate…