These poor guys! Like greedy deprived creatures scarred by a former scarcity, they grasp at every chance for sex.  The judgmental one who makes nature and God his enemy, who refuses to fight for what isn’t worth fighting for, searches in vain for something of value.  He discriminates. He doesn’t want what reality has haphazardly produced in his immediate circumstance.  That is Anti Social for sure.  For a long time it doesn’t seem like there is anything of value left.

Perhaps it is that the pioneer seeks what cannot be found.  He distracts himself from this to produce his own delusion of value.  He wants to make a contribution that is enough to correct for this instinct’s inadequacy and this refusal to compete.  His “gift,” his “production,” for the species seeks to lift the collective out of its blissful post-coital primal haze to the rushed clarity of a broken heart and libidinal frustration.  A heart broken really hard.  Not ready to move forward, he’s wallowed around in it for months.  Regret, remorse, stagnant.  No conformity either.

To share in the truth!  All that reflection has brought him closer to the truth!  The miserable silly truth!   Its a joke! Their isn’t a difference!

In practice the gift might only used for some elaboration of the most primal functions.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  We are not always grateful.  This realization comes far too late to be important though.  Instead of moving forward, forgiving himself and forgetting he begs that we all remember!  His gift was supposed to be a legacy that reminds us.  The great defeat is death, and we know that for his arrogant refusal to make the best and leave an heir despite an empty soul, his death is the total genetic termination as well.  The defeat of the soul becomes a material defeat as well.

And the pioneer disappears from the polite society like an unwelcome party guest who finally picks up a clue.  Movies are always accurate depictions of reality until the end.  They are dishonest because decency and piece of mind require movies have just endings.  If they end without justice, their kinship to reality might be troubling.  It might beg responsibility.

What is surprising to me about these silly lines that could have come from any one in any time is that I wrote them at 9:30 in the morning this past Wednesday in my German class.  There isn’t a German word on my notebook sheet for that date.

Has this ever happened to you?   Have you ever completely zoned out and written something goofy and weird and provocative about your mindset?  Do I think these things?  This is what was running through my mind on a sunny day with a big cup of coffee, a banana, and… you can guess the rest.

Really I am asking a question with this.  I don’t know the answer, maybe you can help me.  What do you do when this happens?  Do you let this strange tangential train of thought go where it goes, follow it there, and then hope to return to reality sometime?  Or do you just push it back and focus on the task at hand?  Learning German, for example, in a classroom where you only have limited time with an instructor! I don’t know the answer.  It seems wrong to tell your mind figure something out that is itching it.  German can wait a minute or two, at the time I thought I was on to something.